My Good Intentions
Below are the 5 most recent journal entries recorded in the "pinkbelly" journal:
Well it seems all my life I have repeatedly chosen the wrong guy, so I'm writing my self a detailed description of my dream man so I can reference it when making relationship choices.
1) straight edge
2) same age as me or a little younger
3) devastatingly good looking.....either Justin Timberlake or "my first"....with perfect teeth
4) kind, sweet, loving, understanding, positive attitude, laid back, caring, giving
5) willing to put the work in and PROVE he's worthy of my time and love
7) nice healthy *ahem* libido
8) wants kids, home life, house, stability, joy, love, adventures
9) can teach me new things and ideas and open my eyes to different sides of things
10) has a career he truely loves, or is working hard towards it....no lifer factory workers
11) gets along with my family
12) awesome, goofy sense of humor
14) financially stable, no debt, doesn't spend a buncha money all the time, has a savings
15) loves walking and hiking and doing active things outdoors
17) healthy, takes care of himself
18) treats me like I'm the most important thing in his life, shows me unconditional love, understanding, apologizes when he's wrong and even sometimes when he's not
20) believes in me and supports my dreams
21) loves animals, especially small dogs
22) helps cook and clean
23) doesn't like football
25) schnazzy dresser
26) enjoys thrift stores
Time to wash off the muck...|
I feel like life, me, my thoughts, feelings, opinions, attitude, and ways of thinking have been stagnant for some time now. More boyfriend troubles. The same ones as always. I'm hurting, scared, angry, but also there is a glimmer of looking forward to a life without him and without these troubles. How many times can the boyfriend you live with ditch you, not show up, lie, break promises and let you down before it's finally over? For me I've been doing it for over a year and it's just beyond ridiculous now. I'm so exhausted with so many things. I daydream about my own place just girlified to the gills with things that I love in it.....no boy stuff, no recording gear, no ugly outdated bedroom furniture, no electrical cords laying all over the place, no record crates sitting out in the living room, no laying awake in bed at night alone with an absolute sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. It's beginning to be wobbly balancing on that thin line between love and hate. It should be over, it has to be over. He has told me straight to my face, without ever being asked to choose, that if it were "the band" or me, he'd choose the band. If it were between "drinking" and me, he'd choose drinking. If it were between "partying" and me he would choose partying. I actually sat and listened to him drunkenly explain to me how parting is a very important part of his life. I want a house, love, companionship, KIDS, health, joy, fun, excitement....and this is none of that. It isn't even on any tracks leading to any of those things. I hope I work up the nerve this time.
A Long Journey Always Starts With Just One Small Step|
I finally went to the plasma donation place to see if they still had my application. I have been procrastinating going for a long time, so it feels good to have went. It turns out they don't have my application anymore and now I have to apply online. I always Clever Elsie everything to death. Once I come up with an idea I tell myself all the reasons why it won't/can't work. So, I am at a factory job that I do not enjoy and it actually sucks joy and quality of life from me and then I procrastinate hunting for another job because I start thinking...."I'm not smart enough to do that. I have too much social anxiety to do that. I don't know if I'll enjoy doing that. I hate all jobs, so any job I get I am not going to be happy at, so what's the point in even trying." And it can go on and on like this and even get more and more negative. I am drastically changing my negative thinking to positive thinking.
Tomorrow I am going to go apply at a daycare that's right up the street from me because I think that sounds like an even better job than the plasma donation place. I think it'd be fun and very joyfull to work taking care of kids all day. It's also a job where you can feel you are truely doing something worthwhile.
I must remember that I won't love every single job I ever have. What I can do is hunt for a new job that I like better. Try something on and if it doesn't fit go out and look for another one. All I can do is take small steps and move towards what I want out of life. Don't be afraid to take the first small step!
My Dream House|I would love to own my own house. It would be a very old house with lots of happy memories and good vibes already in it. There would be a big porch with a swing and some wooden rocking chairs. The huge yard will have lots of pretty gardens and ceramic lawn ornaments and some whimsical things like an old claw foot bathtub with a fountaing and goldfish. The backyard will have cherry, apple, and pear trees, blackberry bushes, and a big vegetable garden. There will be chickens to lay fresh eggs. The inside of the house will be very cozy and inviting. I'll have tons of things that I made and art and items other people have made. There will be a big bay window with tons of beautiful houseplants in bright ceramic pots. I'll have lucky bamboo, succulents, cactuses, a huge spider plant, a yellow speckled plant, a big rubber tree plant, african violets, little bonsai trees, and a pink polkadot plant. All of the floors will be old hardwood, except in the kitchen and a bathroom which will have big square black and white tile. All of my windows will have earthy looking bamboo shades and pretty curtains and drapes that I made myself. I will have a happy little loud parakeet in an oriental looking cage that hangs on a stand. The living room won't have a tv, but it will have a big old rustic fireplace. I'll keep my moose carving that my grandpa made in the living room. I'll have lots of special photograghs of friends, family and pets in nice frames all around. I'll have a beautiful goldfish tank in the living room. A comfy couch to sit on with an afgan that I made on my nifty knitter. There will be a cute and cozy dog bed for my 3 doggies and andy's bulldog yet to be found and named. I will go through and feng shui everything. I'll have my amber colored mosaic street light lamp in the frontroom. There will be a soft and funky area rag rug that I made in front of the couch. There will be earthy, bright, and whimsical paintings on the walls. I'll have deliciously scented candles all over the place. The kitchen will be bright and cheery with sunlight pouring in. The windows will have kistchy ruffley curtains. There will be a fire engine red vintage stove and a vintage fridge with tons of cute magnets on it. I'll have a brightly colored vintage table and chairs with the shiny silver chrome that I like. There will be a little rug with cute ceramic bowls for the dogs food and water. There will be a backdoor that leads to our fenced in backyard where we can just let the dogs out to roam. There will be comfy beds with crazy quilts. I'll have a breakfast themed bathroom. I'll make paintings on old records and hang them up. I'll have a finished basement with a reck room and a root cellar full of dilly beans, pickles, and jams. There will be 4 bedrooms plus an office. I'll have a stone building to make/sell my ceramics and crafts from. The backyard will have a huge fire pit lined in bricks so we can have lots of bonfires.
10 things I'd like to do...|
1) I'd like to have children, atleast 3
2) I'd like to travel the U.S. in a cute vintage trailer
3) I'd like to own my own successful business
4) I'd like to volunteer my time to help people/animals
5) I'd like to eat really healthy and well
6) I'd like to excercise regularly
7) I'd like to go to school
8) I'd like to get my apartment clean
9) I'd like to own my own house
10) I'd like to find a job I enjoy, make that LOVE and have a true passion for